Loneliness

At first, loneliness was my choice, but I guess not completely, though I convinced myself that it was easier to bear that way. It all started very stereotypically—I once had a boyfriend. Even though he was cruel to me, the golden years of my life were definitely the period between when I saw him for the first time and when I saw him for the last time. Despite time passing relentlessly, I never learned how to live without him.

But I’m referring to a specific aspect of life, relationships. I handle educational and financial matters perfectly well, sometimes even manage to mess around in politics (on a small scale so far, but it makes me happy). But there’s one thing I just can't figure out: I can't find someone again with whom I would feel as good.

I’m not even talking about love; it wasn’t love. It was desire and, above all, friendship. After writing that sentence, guilt came to mind. It was love, the love of my life, and simultaneously a scar on my record. But don’t come back, I never want to see you again.

I lost not only a boyfriend but, most importantly, my best friend. Actually, we were engaged, I forgot to mention that. I don’t miss our love at all, but I miss the friendship. I regret that we couldn’t remain in a good, brotherly relationship. You were like a Brother to me. Two Hens. Two drops of water.

It’s a shame we wanted so badly to be perfect. Ah, how high the price turned out to be. But, if we had been honest, we would have understood each other. I know that if anyone could understand me, it would have been you. But now, it’s too late, I never want to see you again. Because one can forgive betrayal in love, but not in friendship.

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